Message by:
Pastor Terry Crawford
Covenant Church
Shepherdstown, WV
Your Family. You see it doesn’t matter what your family looks like, or how it is shaped and filled, we all have one thing in common.
Every family has conflict.
What makes it even more complicated is that we don’t even process conflict the same way as individuals. See if you see yourself in one of these conflict process descriptions.
The Peacemaker - (Me) won’t argue. You can’t even get them to argue or push.
The Sulker - you are just down. Passive Aggressive. The more you ask, what’ wrong or are you o.k., the sulkier they get.
The Stuffer - Everything is fine. They stuff it all in to avoid conflict. They expect people to read their minds. Over time, they become angry and bitter.
The Litigator - you are never wrong. You are such a good arguer that you win the argument and nobody wants to talk with you about a conflict ever again. But when it’s all over and you’ve won the argument, it is really not over and resolved.
The Screamer - Yell about everything. If you yell loud enough and long enough everyone else will give in. Maybe you came from a yelling family and everybody voiced their opinions about everything loudly. That was how you worked through things. Most likely, you didn’t marry a screamer and that process is really strange to those who aren’t loud screaming people.
Wherever you find yourself, as long as there is family there is going to be conflict. And when we are pressed or stressed we naturally move to a flight or fight mentality. We attack or run. For some that attacking looks like nagging. Running looks like disinterest or uncaring for the other person, or lack of courage. My thoughts and fears are nothing to you, you just want to run away from problems.
Conflict is real and can do so much damage if not dealt with in a healthy, healing way. So today I want us to look at “What causes conflict, what is the root of it” and “what plan of action do we have to deal with conflict.”
James, the brother of Jesus has something say about this subject. James, in his writings, was very straight forward and to the point. I like that about him and he asked this question: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?”
If you turn to your family members and ask this question, most would point to one of the other members of the family. We would start blaming, wouldn’t we? If everybody just did what I wanted, we would have peace in this home. We immediately go to blame.
As long as you blame others for your unhappiness, you will always be unhappy.
Every time you start to blame someone, you hand them your happiness and give them the potential for your future happiness. You are giving control of your happiness or potential happiness to the person you are in conflict with. If you would, (start, stop, quit). I can’t be happy until you do something. If my family would just do… I would get my happiness back. It’s not true though. Look at what James says.
James 4:1-2a (NIV)
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
The source is something inside of you. There is a desire in you that is spilling out to those around you. You desire but you do not have. Every time you have a conflict, there is something I want. He promised, she promised, I deserve. Sometimes there are things that you want so badly, that you are willing to hurt the people you love most to get what you want. Some parent child relationships are ruined because of this. They wanted you to do something or you to be something and you wouldn’t. Or something you wanted them to do or stop doing and the relationship is ruined. I think most of the time it is this idea that “I want you to want the same things I want for you.” Right. But I just want the best for him/her. I want my wife/husband to reach their full potential. It sounds so selfless, but isn’t it really about you.
Do you know why most of the conflict is with those close to you? Because they are close to you. James is saying you desire and can’t get what you want so you quarrel and fight. Here is the reality: Every them, is a you. When James is talking, he uses you, so we look at ourselves and not the other person.
The whole time you are leaving the notes, going into their rooms and searching for proof, having those family meetings, talking to your friends, tearing down your family members, it is because you want something from the other you can’t get. That’s the root, the source of the problem. So what is the plan to get beyond this or deal with the conflict? You need to A.R.M. yourself with a plan.
Admit the problem.
Part of what I’m feeling right now is because I’m not getting what I want. Admit that to one another.
You know what part of the problem is, I’m not getting what I want.
I put all of these expectations on you and want certain outcomes on my time schedule and I’m not getting what I want and this is a big part of this fight or conflict.
I wish my husband was here to hear this. I wish the Middle school kids were in big church to hear this. See you did it again. It’s not about them, it’s about you. Admit the problem. I know objection, objection. He promised. I want him/her to fulfill their vows. They promised to pay us back. They promised to stop doing that stuff. That’s not fair. Let me tell you something: Fairness left this world when right after Adam and Eve sinned. And don’t be so hurt about fairness, you only throw down the fair card when it benefits you. How many times have you thanked God for granted the other guy the best parking space at Walmart? But when you get it. Thank you God for your fairness as you look upon your child. Admit the problem, this brings the heat of the argument down and we deal with who we really should be dealing with: ourselves.
Resolve to resolve and Make peace.
Here is what I have found in doing marriage counseling and meeting with so many families. People don’t come in with a plan to deal with conflict. They just think it will work out. But it doesn’t because we have different passions, values and desires. I believe that at the end of the day two things need to happen with conflict.
A resolution to the issue at hand. What do we do about the thing, the bill, the issue (resolution) and how do we have peace back in the family. Because what I have seen is most women need resolution to function. If things are unresolved, they can’t sleep, they can’t move to the next area of life without the unresolved issue affecting everything. And what men need is peace. We want things to be peaceful and the feelings and drama to stop oozing through house. So right now before the arguments start, before the conflict resolve that you will come to a resolution to the problem and make peace with one another.
James 4:2b-3 (NIV)
You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
Did it ever occur to you before you started the argument, raging in, roaring in, sulking around, before you did any of that, did you go to God on your knees about the issue. Have you prayed to the one who has the power to do something amazing in you and your family? It doesn’t have to be a fake prayer. Tell God that “I want something I want from my husband, mother, kids, and I’m not getting what I want.” One of the marks of a passionate follower of Christ is giving control of your life to God’s Spirit. Go to him.
Usually our prayers are at them. God make them do what I want. Change them. Don’t go there. You ask God to work in you, your desires, your part and give thanks for all things. Sure, you can pray for others, but you have to make sure your motives are pure.
The common cause of conflict is our selfish desires. The common denominator for resolution and peace is found in the power of Christ working in us. Do you have that power working in you? Can you go to Christ for your family because you’ve made him the king of your life? If not, would you seriously consider trusting in Jesus today?
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